And...I'm over it!

Finally. I may have moved on, but that doesn't mean you aren't still a huge part of my heart. I wish the best for you and hope that there might be a day when we have both grown enough to be good for each other...or good for someone else. I find myself so occupied these days. If it isn't school or work, it's church. I love being busy. I love the fact that I no longer feel held down or restricted to lounging on the couch every night watching movies. Not that I don't enjoy that, it's just not ME. I get too comfortable that way, and I let myself go. Might be why theres about ten extra pounds clinging to my body for dear life now. I've started thinking a lot about my goals for 2009. I think it's going to be a year of new beginnings...second chances. I'm excited to experience new places and meet new people. All I know, is that nothing is holding me back now...And I'm happy.

Winding down...

Once again, it is almost one in the morning and I am still awake...I just cracked open a pepsi to hopefully calm myself down and bring on some sleepyness. Totally doesn't make sense, but that's how my ADHD works...weird. I just realized today how sometimes, life being incredibly shitty, just makes me love and appreciate God so much more. I have been through so much in the past that as soon as it starts to feel like everything is falling apart in my life, I usually turn on him...but this time has been so different. Instead of the woe is me shit, I take a second to remember why He throws me these curveballs...to STRENGTHEN me...and I am grateful to be broken. I feel like the best way to describe what's being done is to use muscle as an example; it can only be strengthened and built if it is first broken down. I really feel like there are times when He brings me to my lowest of lows only to lift me back up twice as high. It's already happened twice in the past 5 years...I'm waitin on a 3rd time. :) I just wish it would hurry and happen. I am sick of putting my heart out there for someone who will only end up breaking it. Please, oh please God, just let me move on!

House Sitting and Balancing My Chi

I feel incredibly limber, loose, and just all around relaxed. I discovered the wonders of On Demand tonight and spent a few hours doing exercise videos. Turns out Tai Chi is a lot harder than it looks. My ADHD makes slow, calm movement somewhat of a challenge...but I must say that nothing feels quite as good as sinkin some Chi. It's 12:30 in the morning and I'm having a rough time releasing all of the energy that I just built up...can't sleep. It could possibly be that I am alone in a big unfamiliar house that smells like the inside of an old lady's purse mixed with a lot of cigarette smoke. Yum. I think I have every light on and I still feel like someone is going to creep around the corner and get me. Good thing I have crazy ninja skills. :) My lack of sleep could also be because I have a lot on my mind...I am currently in the middle of a non-breakup breakup...if that makes any sense. Pretty much we are together, but we aren't talking...or seeing each other...or seeing anyone else for that matter. It's difficult to explain but let me just say that I miss him like crazy. If there was one person I thought I would definitely marry, (ok, so there's been a few) it was him. He is adorable...romantic, intelligent, affectionate, funny, understanding, compassionate...just perfect. BUT, turns out he is also angry, easily frustrated, unmotivated, and takes me for granted. There just is no such thing as perfect...I'm slowly figuring that out. So, I suggested a break...and this is what I got. Puh. I guess I will have to live and just keep smelling the pillow I secretly sprayed with his collogne before I left. I miss him. The hardest part is that I don't know if I should. Part of me wants to let go...to find someone who won't hold back when times get rough...someone who knows God and wants to be close to Him...someone who wants to get to know my family and friends...someone who will hold me when I need them to. I'm starting to wonder if this is as close to perfect as I'll get. People keep telling me that I should never settle...but I don't feel like I would be settling if he just put all of his effort into it and I did the same. But I guess that's the point of what they are saying, don't settle for someone who isn't willing to love you like you need them too. Ugh. Love is always so difficult. Where is my happy ending???

Bad dreams

Can't sleep...I just woke up sweaty and startled from a dream where I yelled "Just cut them off!" and watched in horror as my surgeon removed both of my breasts. I wish that I could say that this dream was fueled only by the absinthe I drank tonight...I also wish I could say that I didn't have a doctor's appointment tomorrow where they will possibly tell me I have cancer. I am most likely freaking myself out like I normally do. I am 22...way too young to even think about having cancer....Why is it that the sweet Guatemalan boy I knew keeps popping into my mind? How old was he when he died of colon cancer? What if I were to die at 24? WOuld I honestly be able to say that my life was well lived? I spent nearly an hour tonight talking with God about how big of a disappointment I've let myself become. I know He would beg to differ...somehow I'm sure he sees more. All I know is that I have done some seriously shitty things to people that I've cared about. I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive myself or move on and let the past be the past. I can't help feeling like I've either got it very right...or very wrong. I've been so stressed out lately that I seem to have lost every bit of fun and happiness that used to rule my life. I've surrounded myself with bitter, angry people who deserve love but can't seem to accept it. I'm so tired of running as fast as I can but never getting anywhere. Why do I feel like I am 18 and re-living the shittiest part of my life again? I have finally lept and trusted someone to be there to catch me...but am I doomed to another heartbreak? Why does life have to be so damn repetitive? Why can't I sleep? AHHHHH!!!! This makes no sense and yet I'm still writing.....I really should try to sleep...I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok.

bow chika bow wow

I just realized that I am the only person that sees this blog...at least I think so. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've had a rough day today...drove all of the 45 miles to work today and ended up throwing up and being so sick I could barely stand so I drove the 45 miles back and spent the day in bed. Now I can't sleep. Curses. Tomorrow was supposed to be my day off but now I will have to go in in order to meet my required amount of hours. Ugh. I've been trying to get the nerve to take the commuter train...for some reason I am slightly intimidated by it...my momma never let me take public transportation when I was younger so now I have this crazy idea that it is somehow "unsafe"...thank you suburbia :) I'm rathered annoyed with a friend who has been, at times, more than a friend. It's really hard for me to respect someone who isn't real and I'm starting to find out that he's about as real as MJ's little sliver of a nose. If you don't like sushi, don't pretend like you do...people are going to notice when you gag down the seaweed wrapped spicy tuna roll that i've purposely ordered because I know you hate it....and I will be there to say "Gee, you don't seem to be likin the sushi tonight" :) I know that pretending to like sushi when you dont is not grounds for being deemed "unreal", but that is only one case of fakeness that has happened. I'm over it. I feel like I have this horribly unrealistic crush on someone...but I know that I'm not ready to date just yet (not that it would happen anyway...). It's one of those situations where you seem to connect with someone on a different level than they do with you...I am both in awe and perplexed by the complexity of this person...he seems to be deep on many levels but also shows the ability to have fun, be spontaneous, and is genuinely interested in getting to know the people around him. Just a solid dude. But yeah, I'm just Cass. Not too much goin on here. We'll see. Like I said, not lookin for anything right now... Anyway, I finally got my plane ticket to Cali for my birthday! I'm very excited...I get to be with mi padre on his birthday. I just hope my birthday is better than last years.

falling down........

Ugh. I am going to try in the most efficient way possible to describe the emotions I seem to be feeling lately... A year ago I was so sure of myself...I knew what I wanted in life, who I wanted to share it with, and what was most important to me. It always amazes me how much the years change me and the things I believe to be TRUTH. Here I am today, May 11th, 2008 and yet again I am struggling for this sense of self I had believed to have already found. I am seeing a trend :) I've felt this feeling so many times before...this urge to run in any direction and not stop until God takes the breath from my lungs or sweeps my feet out from under me (figuratively speaking of course). I'm 21. I know these few truths to be undeniable: time changes everything, old wounds heal, people change, God loves me (should have put this first but sometimes I forget...), my family will always be there for me, good friends stand by you no matter what, good friends are nearly impossible to find, people rarely judge you for the good you do, it is easy to let what you do define who you are...it is much harder to let who you are define what you do, you will never really let go of your first true love, and most importantly if you care about what others think you will never be truely happy. That last point is what is eating me alive right now. I feel so much judgement from the people in my life...people who have no idea of the details and horrible things that have led me to this existence I call "right now". There is so much of me who is SO HAPPY and wants to proclaim my love of life from every rooftop...that person is definitely inside of me...but there is also that other person. This person has a habit of shutting people out, avoiding social interaction, eating mass amounts of junk food, and wishing for the chance to be anywhere but here.....And that's where I am right now. If I had the money to run away I would. I can't help feeling like I need to start over fresh...in a place where no one knows my past.

I need to spread my wings

Ever since the day I turned 17, I've cared about nothing more than being an adult. I wanted the adult job, adult relationships...and I've gotten them....but am I happy??? Partially. Not too many 21 year olds can say that they've been married, and divorced twice, been homeless, found a religion, lost a religion, found a religion, moved in and out of mom and dad's a time or two, loved many, lost friends, and held a semi-respectable job...all at the same time. HERE I AM! 10th or maybe 11th wonder of the world. Let's just say I've had enough of this being grown up business. I love my life but sometimes I wish I could just run away....and maybe, just maybe I will. I have never been spontaneous when it comes to matters of responsibility...now love, that is another story. I fall fast and fall out even faster. But that is and isn't the point...the point is that, through this all, I have been forcing myself to grow up faster than I should have. Now all of a sudden I have this crazy urge to just run away from it all and get some kind of summer job in a national park or something. Maybe I could meet some hotties...lol...but seriously, utah guys suck.