bow chika bow wow

I just realized that I am the only person that sees this blog...at least I think so. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've had a rough day today...drove all of the 45 miles to work today and ended up throwing up and being so sick I could barely stand so I drove the 45 miles back and spent the day in bed. Now I can't sleep. Curses. Tomorrow was supposed to be my day off but now I will have to go in in order to meet my required amount of hours. Ugh. I've been trying to get the nerve to take the commuter train...for some reason I am slightly intimidated by it...my momma never let me take public transportation when I was younger so now I have this crazy idea that it is somehow "unsafe"...thank you suburbia :) I'm rathered annoyed with a friend who has been, at times, more than a friend. It's really hard for me to respect someone who isn't real and I'm starting to find out that he's about as real as MJ's little sliver of a nose. If you don't like sushi, don't pretend like you do...people are going to notice when you gag down the seaweed wrapped spicy tuna roll that i've purposely ordered because I know you hate it....and I will be there to say "Gee, you don't seem to be likin the sushi tonight" :) I know that pretending to like sushi when you dont is not grounds for being deemed "unreal", but that is only one case of fakeness that has happened. I'm over it. I feel like I have this horribly unrealistic crush on someone...but I know that I'm not ready to date just yet (not that it would happen anyway...). It's one of those situations where you seem to connect with someone on a different level than they do with you...I am both in awe and perplexed by the complexity of this person...he seems to be deep on many levels but also shows the ability to have fun, be spontaneous, and is genuinely interested in getting to know the people around him. Just a solid dude. But yeah, I'm just Cass. Not too much goin on here. We'll see. Like I said, not lookin for anything right now... Anyway, I finally got my plane ticket to Cali for my birthday! I'm very excited...I get to be with mi padre on his birthday. I just hope my birthday is better than last years.

falling down........

Ugh. I am going to try in the most efficient way possible to describe the emotions I seem to be feeling lately... A year ago I was so sure of myself...I knew what I wanted in life, who I wanted to share it with, and what was most important to me. It always amazes me how much the years change me and the things I believe to be TRUTH. Here I am today, May 11th, 2008 and yet again I am struggling for this sense of self I had believed to have already found. I am seeing a trend :) I've felt this feeling so many times before...this urge to run in any direction and not stop until God takes the breath from my lungs or sweeps my feet out from under me (figuratively speaking of course). I'm 21. I know these few truths to be undeniable: time changes everything, old wounds heal, people change, God loves me (should have put this first but sometimes I forget...), my family will always be there for me, good friends stand by you no matter what, good friends are nearly impossible to find, people rarely judge you for the good you do, it is easy to let what you do define who you are...it is much harder to let who you are define what you do, you will never really let go of your first true love, and most importantly if you care about what others think you will never be truely happy. That last point is what is eating me alive right now. I feel so much judgement from the people in my life...people who have no idea of the details and horrible things that have led me to this existence I call "right now". There is so much of me who is SO HAPPY and wants to proclaim my love of life from every rooftop...that person is definitely inside of me...but there is also that other person. This person has a habit of shutting people out, avoiding social interaction, eating mass amounts of junk food, and wishing for the chance to be anywhere but here.....And that's where I am right now. If I had the money to run away I would. I can't help feeling like I need to start over fresh...in a place where no one knows my past.