Winding down...

Once again, it is almost one in the morning and I am still awake...I just cracked open a pepsi to hopefully calm myself down and bring on some sleepyness. Totally doesn't make sense, but that's how my ADHD works...weird. I just realized today how sometimes, life being incredibly shitty, just makes me love and appreciate God so much more. I have been through so much in the past that as soon as it starts to feel like everything is falling apart in my life, I usually turn on him...but this time has been so different. Instead of the woe is me shit, I take a second to remember why He throws me these curveballs...to STRENGTHEN me...and I am grateful to be broken. I feel like the best way to describe what's being done is to use muscle as an example; it can only be strengthened and built if it is first broken down. I really feel like there are times when He brings me to my lowest of lows only to lift me back up twice as high. It's already happened twice in the past 5 years...I'm waitin on a 3rd time. :) I just wish it would hurry and happen. I am sick of putting my heart out there for someone who will only end up breaking it. Please, oh please God, just let me move on!

House Sitting and Balancing My Chi

I feel incredibly limber, loose, and just all around relaxed. I discovered the wonders of On Demand tonight and spent a few hours doing exercise videos. Turns out Tai Chi is a lot harder than it looks. My ADHD makes slow, calm movement somewhat of a challenge...but I must say that nothing feels quite as good as sinkin some Chi. It's 12:30 in the morning and I'm having a rough time releasing all of the energy that I just built up...can't sleep. It could possibly be that I am alone in a big unfamiliar house that smells like the inside of an old lady's purse mixed with a lot of cigarette smoke. Yum. I think I have every light on and I still feel like someone is going to creep around the corner and get me. Good thing I have crazy ninja skills. :) My lack of sleep could also be because I have a lot on my mind...I am currently in the middle of a non-breakup breakup...if that makes any sense. Pretty much we are together, but we aren't talking...or seeing each other...or seeing anyone else for that matter. It's difficult to explain but let me just say that I miss him like crazy. If there was one person I thought I would definitely marry, (ok, so there's been a few) it was him. He is adorable...romantic, intelligent, affectionate, funny, understanding, compassionate...just perfect. BUT, turns out he is also angry, easily frustrated, unmotivated, and takes me for granted. There just is no such thing as perfect...I'm slowly figuring that out. So, I suggested a break...and this is what I got. Puh. I guess I will have to live and just keep smelling the pillow I secretly sprayed with his collogne before I left. I miss him. The hardest part is that I don't know if I should. Part of me wants to let go...to find someone who won't hold back when times get rough...someone who knows God and wants to be close to Him...someone who wants to get to know my family and friends...someone who will hold me when I need them to. I'm starting to wonder if this is as close to perfect as I'll get. People keep telling me that I should never settle...but I don't feel like I would be settling if he just put all of his effort into it and I did the same. But I guess that's the point of what they are saying, don't settle for someone who isn't willing to love you like you need them too. Ugh. Love is always so difficult. Where is my happy ending???