Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Stuck.
Stuck and lost in our memories, your letters, and the laughter we used to share; I gasp for breath and close my eyes as tears run down my face and are instantly washed away by the shower water. 6 years has changed nothing. One chance was all that was given and I blew it...or rather, we blew it. I cannot let go of you. I taste you every time I kiss another's lips...I hear your voice everytime he whispers "I love you". How long will you haunt me? You may have moved on, but my soul never will...it is yours, forever.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
a mandala of my emotions
We kissed, and you held me tight in your arms as we gazed into a starry night sky, dreaming of the days when we would own a small piece of land and a cute white house with blue old-fashioned shutters. I prayed that you would never let me go. Our love grew and soon I found myself looking up at those same stars through the sun roof of your car as you ran your hand over my bare skin and told me you loved me. All I wanted was you. I remember windows rolled down, the smell of hay, and a cool summer breeze on my body. You were exciting and handsome and I knew that I could never be without you. When you left, I swore I'd write you every day...and I did. Our love grew and felt as certain as the stars to shine. Time passed and like the small colored grains of sand in a mandala, our love was swept away and shown to not be unchanging. I had never loved anyone as much as you. Truth is, I haven't loved anyone as much as you since.
I'm crazy???
Thanks Devin, for pointing out that my blog is crazy...lol...I'm glad you still love me and let me in your house! Here is another looney one for you:
My Drunk:
It's 9pm and I have just spent the last 3 hours re-reading old emails and wondering where in the world these past memories have hidden themselves in my brain. The past is often hard to deal with and maybe in trying so hard to get over it, I've forced myself to forget it as well. In reading these lost emails, I feel like I have opened a sort of pandora's box. The pain has hit me like a brick. I saw the horrible emails you wrote...saw your hurtful words and terrifying threats...I had almost entirely forgotten those two years I spent being sucked into your downward spiral. Thank you for reminding me. In your letters I was able to relive the all too common drunken nights when you would stumble home around 4am and expect me to be willing to accomodate your various needs. I now remember the times you smashed my things in the road because I wouldn't answer your phone calls. I changed my number three times but you still kept finding me...no one should ever have to go through that. You threatened not only my life, but the lives of my family and friends. I STAYED WITH YOU THROUGH ALL OF THIS. What was wrong with me??? The biggest thing I remember about being with you is losing my own integrity. I did and said things that make me cringe to this day. This is not your fault...I accept full responsibility for becoming the whore that I was. But I am not a whore today
My Drunk:
It's 9pm and I have just spent the last 3 hours re-reading old emails and wondering where in the world these past memories have hidden themselves in my brain. The past is often hard to deal with and maybe in trying so hard to get over it, I've forced myself to forget it as well. In reading these lost emails, I feel like I have opened a sort of pandora's box. The pain has hit me like a brick. I saw the horrible emails you wrote...saw your hurtful words and terrifying threats...I had almost entirely forgotten those two years I spent being sucked into your downward spiral. Thank you for reminding me. In your letters I was able to relive the all too common drunken nights when you would stumble home around 4am and expect me to be willing to accomodate your various needs. I now remember the times you smashed my things in the road because I wouldn't answer your phone calls. I changed my number three times but you still kept finding me...no one should ever have to go through that. You threatened not only my life, but the lives of my family and friends. I STAYED WITH YOU THROUGH ALL OF THIS. What was wrong with me??? The biggest thing I remember about being with you is losing my own integrity. I did and said things that make me cringe to this day. This is not your fault...I accept full responsibility for becoming the whore that I was. But I am not a whore today
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The truth is...
I am deeply vain. I am not sure that there is any other explanation for the $150 worth of face care products I just purchased from Sephora. Yes, I stop and glance at myself if I pass a mirror...Yes, I still feel the need to know guys are attracted to me (even when I have no interest in dating them)...Yes, I do spend around an hour and a half getting ready on most mornings. Definitely vain. So.....I'm supposed to be doing homework right now, but instead I am logged on to a dating site that I think is totally hilarious. I have no intent of actually meeting up with these cyber dudes...I just like knowing that I'm more attractive than at least half of the chicks on there. I uploaded a picture tonight and within 5 minutes my inbox was full. I am a bad person. I also have a horrible habit of leaving things to the last minute. It's almost like a high to me...my heart starts beating uncontrollably in my chest...all of a sudden I have a crazy amount of energy and can't seem to sit still. It's kind of like shopping, but without the hefty financial burden...which reminds me that my disease is starting to kill me. Note: Confessions of a Shopaholic is a must-see highly relate-able movie.
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