An Old Letter to an Old Flame

I'm not trying to linger in the past and what feelings I had for him are gone, but I found this letter today and the words really brought me back to a time in my life where I was doing a lot of changing and growing up. There were many reasons for our marriage ending and I don't feel it's appropriate to talk about them here, but this signifies the raw emotion that was behind a lot of it. Not sure when exactly I wrote it, but here it is:

"I don't know that I am capable of having the feelings necessary to facilitate a healthy happy relationship. I find it nearly impossible to have compassion or any sense of remorse regarding our situation. I feel as though I am detached from the area of my brain that allows me to care. It is not that you are not important to me, in fact, I cannot really imagine my life without you. I may not have expressed it to you, but you are one of my best friends. I have had some of the funnest times of my life with you. Somehow everything that can go wrong in our lives does, and you are always there to cheer me up. you have put up with so many of my bitchy moments...you have great patience (though I've noticed it is diminishing greatly). I knew that marriage would not be easy, but I really did not think it would be this bad. Despite our good times, there are many more bad times. I really just don't know that I can handle the stress of us on top of everything else that's going on in my life. I just wish you would help me to carry all the weight I feel on my shoulders. On top of school an work I feel this necessity to take care of you...I'm just not sure you can handle the responsibilities of adulthood on your own. this is perfectly normal for someone of our age but I just feel like I've already moved past that stage in my life. I would love to be your shoulder to cry on, your crutch into the frightening world of adulthood...I just have a bit too much on my plate for that. I will always be here for you to talk to and I will help you when I can but there are some things people cannot help you with (like paying bills on time, remembering things, and finding motivation in life). If I was sure that these things would change then I would feel so much better staying with you. As I see it now, if things don't change there is a good chance I will be 5 years from now, still unhappy, feeling stuck in a marriage that I hate. That would be 5 precious years of my life wasted. And I don't want you to think I mean that our relationship is a waste of time. I simply worry about our marriage ending years from now and me being old and considered spoiled goods. I can honestly say that 2 divorces is enough for me for a lifetime. I just can't keep hurting you...it hurts me too."

Love

My mother once told me that one day I would find a guy that would have all the qualities I had ever wanted in a man. I searched so many times to find this mythical man, only to have my heart broken...over and over again. Love always felt like settling to me and the guys that I gave my heart to never seemed to know how to love me back. I definitely did my fair share of heartbreaking and I'm sorry to those that I hurt, but I know that every one of you is better off where you are now. One of you has a wife and children, one is pursuing his career goals, and so many others have learned valuable lessons from our relationship. I am far from perfect...I've made so many mistakes and stepped on people to get to where I am today...I'm not proud of this. One thing that I have consistently done right is give my heart to people...even when they don't deserve it. I leap before I look and I love wholeheartedly. Who I choose to love is my own business. I know that I have made poor choices in the past, but if I've ever made a good choice...this is it. I am in love with an amazing man...a man that I deserve. No one in my history of men has ever made me feel like this...I am so blessed.