Bad dreams

Can't sleep...I just woke up sweaty and startled from a dream where I yelled "Just cut them off!" and watched in horror as my surgeon removed both of my breasts. I wish that I could say that this dream was fueled only by the absinthe I drank tonight...I also wish I could say that I didn't have a doctor's appointment tomorrow where they will possibly tell me I have cancer. I am most likely freaking myself out like I normally do. I am 22...way too young to even think about having cancer....Why is it that the sweet Guatemalan boy I knew keeps popping into my mind? How old was he when he died of colon cancer? What if I were to die at 24? WOuld I honestly be able to say that my life was well lived? I spent nearly an hour tonight talking with God about how big of a disappointment I've let myself become. I know He would beg to differ...somehow I'm sure he sees more. All I know is that I have done some seriously shitty things to people that I've cared about. I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive myself or move on and let the past be the past. I can't help feeling like I've either got it very right...or very wrong. I've been so stressed out lately that I seem to have lost every bit of fun and happiness that used to rule my life. I've surrounded myself with bitter, angry people who deserve love but can't seem to accept it. I'm so tired of running as fast as I can but never getting anywhere. Why do I feel like I am 18 and re-living the shittiest part of my life again? I have finally lept and trusted someone to be there to catch me...but am I doomed to another heartbreak? Why does life have to be so damn repetitive? Why can't I sleep? AHHHHH!!!! This makes no sense and yet I'm still writing.....I really should try to sleep...I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok.