falling down........

Ugh. I am going to try in the most efficient way possible to describe the emotions I seem to be feeling lately... A year ago I was so sure of myself...I knew what I wanted in life, who I wanted to share it with, and what was most important to me. It always amazes me how much the years change me and the things I believe to be TRUTH. Here I am today, May 11th, 2008 and yet again I am struggling for this sense of self I had believed to have already found. I am seeing a trend :) I've felt this feeling so many times before...this urge to run in any direction and not stop until God takes the breath from my lungs or sweeps my feet out from under me (figuratively speaking of course). I'm 21. I know these few truths to be undeniable: time changes everything, old wounds heal, people change, God loves me (should have put this first but sometimes I forget...), my family will always be there for me, good friends stand by you no matter what, good friends are nearly impossible to find, people rarely judge you for the good you do, it is easy to let what you do define who you are...it is much harder to let who you are define what you do, you will never really let go of your first true love, and most importantly if you care about what others think you will never be truely happy. That last point is what is eating me alive right now. I feel so much judgement from the people in my life...people who have no idea of the details and horrible things that have led me to this existence I call "right now". There is so much of me who is SO HAPPY and wants to proclaim my love of life from every rooftop...that person is definitely inside of me...but there is also that other person. This person has a habit of shutting people out, avoiding social interaction, eating mass amounts of junk food, and wishing for the chance to be anywhere but here.....And that's where I am right now. If I had the money to run away I would. I can't help feeling like I need to start over fresh...in a place where no one knows my past.