Yeah...

"Another year has passed and I'm alright...I lick the salt from my wounds and run into the night."- The Distillers

Well, I'm surviving. Trying to figure out how to love, live, and be happy while everyone else seems to have it figured out so well. I live mostly in the past, which makes it almost impossible to be present...I will never live up to my own expectations. I hate my job. I can't be nice to the person who loves me the most. I'm so incredibly fucked up. I want to blame it on my past....say it was my parents' faults or whatever...but no, I'm just fucked up all on my own. I hate excuses. There is no fiber in my being that makes me want to have children and that just adds to all of the reasons why there is something wrong with me. I can't have children, both mentally and most likely physically. I don't care about it one bit. Every day that goes by I just think more and more about running away and how there is nothing for me here...which is SO FUCKED UP because I have friends and family here PLUS an amazing man that love me more than anything. I'm just emotionally unattached to everything at this point. I can't live in the now...I'm either over-analyzing the past or worrying about the future. I pretty much hate myself.....and after having my jackass of a father passive-aggressively starving me during my visit I feel like I'm fucking morbidly obese or something. Fuck him. He's a chubby fuck too. Who's fucking no-metabolism genes does he think I inherited??? I say fuck too much. Need to clean up my mouth. I'm a fuckin' lady.